Memento

I saw her again today. But it was somewhere else.
I don’t usually see her at the same place twice.
What do you think that means?
One day I saw her near the pond, skipping rocks. Another time was when I was at a restaurant. She was eating spaghetti and meatballs with white sauce.
That’s a wierd combination isn’t it? She must have gotten the sauce separately.
Oh I remember seeing her by the beach aswell. Dancing with the waves. It was beautiful. Usually you tend to stare at the sun when it dives into the ocean. The horizon. But all I remember is staring at the girl who was standing there. Her hair glistening. The wind gently lifting her hair to the side. She looks back at me, smiles with her beautiful brown eyes and asks. “It’s beautiful isn’t it?” I don’t remember the sound of her voice though.
Once I saw her walking right in front of me and i tried to grab her hand, but it felt like my hand just brushed past air. But I still saw her looking at me in that moment and smiling. I also remember grabbing her and hugging her. But as soon as I wrapped my arms around her, she  dispersed like a bag of glitter had just exploded in front of me. Along with the wind she was also gone the next moment.
It was probably just my imagination. That’s what happens when you have a vivid imagination. Thats what happens when you overthink. Maybe I saw this girl once and I keep seeing her everywhere cause she’s really beautiful. One of those love at first sight moments?
But why does it feel like I’ve spent years with her? I don’t know anything about her. Not even her name. All I do is see her like a mirage. And even when I know it’s not there, I keep running towards it hoping one of these days it’ll be real.

The clock struck 5. And then at the end of the hour the counsellor said to me
The accident was fatal. That truck driver was half asleep and swerved into you. Only you made it. You did everything you could but I’m sorry.
The trauma you went through made the moments you lived with her into illusions. You see her at places because you two were there together at one point. But you already know this. Your conscious has repressed everything about her, except for the memories. The same reply every time I visit him. Memories turned into illusions. The mirage I’ll forever be chasing after.

And well after another days therapy I’m at home getting ready for bed. I get into bed, turn of the lights and close my eyes. And just like everyday for the last few years, I hear the words “goodnight darling” while I gently doze off to sleep.

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